PART 5 - Relinquishing my rights to rounded belly. (and a flat one)

13 October

CONCLUSION

The emotional constipation of the past 5 years has brought me this far. It’s time for releasing, cleansing and moving on. It has been a long walk, to what feels like the walk to freedom. Although I could never compare my story to the likings of Nelson Mandela. But, what this walk has brought forth in my heart, is so big and so exciting.

Just to give perspective: I never really wanted children, until about the age of 34/35. Before that, I was a career-girl and business entrepreneur. Never did I ever think that I would want to be a mom or even have the ability to raise a child. Being a believer of Someone bigger than myself, when I sobbed for the first time over a newborn baby in someone’s arms, and almost instantly lost my ambition for success in my career, I could not help, but believe that it was a desire that could only come supernaturally from Above.
So if my story sounds to you like the desperate girl next-door who has an obsession with finding a man and having children, in order to define herself as ‘Somebody’,..... and if you think this is just my adult-tantrum about not getting what I want…..
you are hugely mistaken. I am naturally ambitious, adventurous and creative. In my youth, I really frowned upon woman who would do anything to fall pregnant or obsessed with getting married. I never collected pictures of “my-wedding-dress”, as girls do. The pictures I collected, where of destinations I wanted to travel to, and things I wanted to accomplish in my business career.

What I am hugely mistaken about, and now have first-hand experience on, is the power within a woman to pro-create. I believe it’s as strong as the will to survive, and more powerful than insanity itself. Yes, believe me! This little exercise of believing and trusting that God had placed within me the desire to have children, with the noble idea of having them within wed-lock, has cost me what is now documented in my doctor’s archives as: “Slightly Insane”. Whether it was my father who accidentily threw my doll into the dam, or my mother that would not give me one more cookie to eat….the 'shrink' could not determine, what could cause such a talented adult woman, as I, to not have it in her, to be alive. It was easier to make a simple diagnosis with a script to accompany it. My child-like faith and trust in God is tainted for life, or until I have the answers. You might think I am being arrogant, but it is this trust I had, that has brought me on this road, where I'm scramming frantically in circles to find my ambition again, to distract me from this reality. The answers don’t have to come now. It’s taken this long already, I can wait. Even if it means, until I see the bright light, and then go into ’forever-ness’.

"Biological Clock?" I agree!
It’s hard to make the knocking sound softer or even go away, when the knocking includes a legacy that you so fervently want to leave behind.
What are they going to write on my tomb-stone one day, when I die?

“RIP. She tried and tried, but she just didn’t get it right. It was too late to start over, so she carried on trying and trying, until she became like Siberia...We all know where that is, but we don’t talk about it anymore, or go there at all”

And don’t come at throw that: “Arggg, you’re just being too impatient” nonsense at me! What?…do you expect me to be?….Siberia??, when I stand at the gate of the pre-school, amongst the Jimmy-Choo’s, Guess and cellulite-free 'Y or Z -generation' young-breed of moms, when junior gets fetched from his first day of school? Run a mile in those pair of weary tackies, and let me know what you think. I think, NOT!


A flat belly, besides a successful career, has been my life-ambition. Strengthening my core, in pursuit of aiding a easier birth…..and looking at my genetic pool on both paternal & maternal….chances are none.

Having a life-giving rounded belly?…..would be the only reason I won't feel so conscious of my lack and chances of that......refer to part one of this article…..

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